made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize