just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize