I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
