He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
