i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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