woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
