I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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