I wish my penis had an off switch
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
