evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
