so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
