I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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