I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Randomize
