Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
