Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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