No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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