His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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