your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize