just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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