I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
