wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
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