I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
