i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
