My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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