I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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