There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
