If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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