mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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