It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
