Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
