Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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