fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
My feet surprised me
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
