im about as happy as oj after his trial
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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