He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
