There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
