Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i already hear my dad disowning me
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
