Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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