Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize