My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
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