my mouth tastes like poor choices
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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