Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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