dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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