the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
