I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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