i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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