My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
