Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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