if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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