no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
