our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
