He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
