So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
