You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Randomize
