He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
