Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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