What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
