you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
