You did a strip tease for the toilet.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
