Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
