the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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