That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize