I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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