Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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