this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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