I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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